Can You Bring Blow to a Political Party?

Dear Tinkerbell,

Since the presidential caucuses are about the only thing on TV (thanks to the epic writer’s strike), I have been inundated with political information and forced to spend an inordinate amount of time considering the presidential candidates. Until now, I have not given much thought to my stance on politics because a) I’m hot and b) just about anything else is more interesting.

Here’s what I’ve got so far: I’m rich, so I'm pretty sure that means that I’m a Democrat. The Kennedy’s were Democrats. Plus, Daddy said that the Democrats give money to the poor and the Republicans keep it for themselves. And even though I don’t really want to give the poor my money, I think I have to say that I do because it reminds people that I’m rich and can afford it. So, given all this, I am not even going to waste my timing thinking about about Republicans. And that is totally fine with me because they are popular in those weirdo, inbred, hillbilly states and I don’t want anything to do with that. Plus, I think Democrats are cool with lesbians and I’ve been looking into that lately. Swinging both ways is so hot right now.

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Once I figure out who the Democratic candidates are, I will write insightful political commentaries on each.

Throwing Spears

Dear Tinkerbell,

As you may remember, Tink, Dr. Phil had promised his captivated and salivating audience of stay at home Moms a special on the trainwreck that is Ms. Spears (if you're nasty). Then, to the dismay of all the self-help junkies out there, he canceled the special and released the following statement:

“As was widely reported this weekend, at the request of concerned family members, I visited Britney Spears in the hospital. The details of that visit will, of course, remain private. We had planned to tape a Dr. Phil Now show tomorrow, focusing not on the tabloid side of Britney’s latest problems, but instead on the very serious issues surrounding this case.

Clearly, it is not just Britney’s family struggling to find a way to protect adult children who cannot be ordered or compelled to seek help. Because the Spears situation is too intense at this time, and out of consideration to the family, I have made the decision not to move forward with the taping at this particular time. Britney and her family are in our prayers and we ask that they be in yours.”

Then, in a [ahem] surprising turn of events, Britney's estranged parents unified themselves to emit a collective "Nuh Uh!". Lou Taylor, the family spokeswoman, appeared on yesterday's Today and said that the family never planned to do a show with Dr. Phil, that "he was not invited to make this a public display" and that "they were taken advantage of".



Come on now. First of all, their daughter is the very definition of a public display. Second of all, how can you turn to Dr. Phil, a very public figure who happens to host his own talk show, for psychiatric support and honestly believe you are doing all that you can to protect your daughter's privacy? Sorry guys...the world isn't that gullible.

A mediawhoresayswhat? What?

So what happened? No private physicians around? No bored doctors out there willing to join the staff as Britney's private psychiatrist for a healthy six figure sum? Come on! They could go clubbing together!

But if none of this suits them, there is always option B...it's called hush money, you idiots. I use it all the time.

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Cocktail Pusher

Dear Tinkerbell,

Can Kelly Osbourne be any more pathetic? She is telling everyone and anyone that I poisoned her! Apparently, at Noir last week, she turned to a whole crew of people and said " [Paris] gave me my first alcohol poisoning". Oh, spare me. I can hardly believe that the post-rehab daughter of Ozzy Osbourne experienced her first incidence of alcohol poisoning any time recently nor can I believe that I could possibly have had anything to do with it.

And why does she have to say it like I injected it in her? Or slipped it in her drink? Like, she left to use the ladies room and I slipped a shot of rum in her Coke. Please. All I plan on giving her is a couple of reputation-tarnishing rumors and possibly an STD. You can count on that.

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Brit Interrupted

Dear Tinkerbell,

Looks like Brit Brit finally lost her shit shit. Check out this video of her being removed from her house strapped to a gurney like the freakin' mental patient that she is.

Apparently, she totally bugged out and held one of the kids hostage in her bedroom. The paramedics found her alternating between fits of laughing and hysterics. It is all so Girl Interrupted. Brit Brit would totally be the patient that was obsessed with chicken.

We all knew she was on the road to the inevitable psychotic breakdown, but I was hoping she'd drag out the journey a little longer...perhaps take the scenic route. But alas, she is currently a "special needs" patient in lockdown at Cedars Sinai Medical Center. Le sigh.

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Oooo…I hope she’s mad that I hooked up with KFed. You don’t think this has anything to do with that, do you?

And I thought I was bringing trashy back...

Dear Tinkerbell,

Hahaha...have you seen the pictures of Ms. sober-and-serious-actress-who-is-too-good-to-be-any-fun having her way with a bit of man candy on New Years Eve!?!?

Ugh, she is so pathetic. She catches one whiff of my idea to bring trashy back in '08, and she just can't wait to make it look like it was her idea. But while I sucked face with the king-o-trash, she embodied it herself. Ew, Lindsay...hasn't she ever heard of taking on new trends in moderation?

Oh, gross...is Dario Faiella unzipping his pants? Or trying to hide his junk? Personally, I would advise the latter.

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PS - By the way, Dario was lucky guy number four for Lindsay that evening.

PPS - And, yes, you saw correctly...LiLo is, in fact, grabbing her own ass.

Slumming is so hot right now

Dear Tinkerbell,

Happy New Year, Bitches!!!

I have just returned from black-out city, located in lovely Las Vegas. Me and Nicky hosted an uber-fab party at LAX. Everyone was there. Obs.

And yes, Tink, I did get down and dirty with a certain someone. And yes, he would fit right in on the Jerry Springer set. But, believe me, I have my reasons. Last year, Justin brought sexy back so I was thinking that this year, to shake things up a bit, I'm going to bring trashy back. That's right...trashy is the new sexy. And I firmly believe that if you're going to do something, you should do it right, soooo I decided to drag my ass through the filthiest of gutters...the one and only KFed.

Slumming is so hot right now.

The only thing that could make it even dirtier is to feed Britney one too many Boones and convince her to join KFed and I in a filthy threesome on a bed of Cheetos.

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