Barron Hiltons Lump of Coal

Dear Tinkerbell,

SHIT! Shitshitshitshitshit! How can grandpa do this to me? I thought I was his “favorite princess”!?!? On what deranged plane of existence is it acceptable to bequeath the near entirety of one’s fortune to charity rather than to one’s supposed FAVORITE PRINCESS?! That old coot is sitting on 2.3 billion dollars and, in his venerable senility, has decided to donate 2.2 billion of it to charity. It’s almost laughable! Why?! Because of the DUIs? The drugs? The men? The jail time? The spending? The scandal? COME ON!! 2007 wasn’t THAT bad!!! Get over it, you old fart. Merry fucking Christmas.

Speaking of the proverbial lump of coal, can you believe Jamie Lynne Spears is knocked up? Just in time for the holidays too. I wonder what she’s promoting…a new show? I smell a reality hit here...Mama, Me and the Bastard Makes Three.



I don’t think her Momma is doing a very good job spinning this...if Joe Simpson were her father, you know we’d be reading something along the lines of how Jamie Lynn is reinventing the immaculate conception for her new album this Christmas season. Brilliant.

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Merry Christmas

Dear Tinkerbell,

I guess Jamie Lynn was naughty this year...

Aint Love Grand?

Dear Tinkerbell,

Pam Anderson and Rick Solomon are getting divorced!! Ha! Oh please...like anyone is surprised. They had as much of a chance as Britney Spears and that short, bald guy from Seinfeld. Let's take a look at the past repeating itself...

After knowing Tommy Lee for 96 hours, Pam and Tommy Lee get married on February 19, 1995...

She filed for divorce, they reconciled, she filed for divorce again, they reconciled again...

After they FINALLY got divorced in 1998, Pammy got engaged to male model Marcus Schenkenberg...and broke it off.

Then she met and got engaged to the notoriously filthy Kid Rock...and broke it off.

Pammy soothed her aching heart with good ol' fashioned booty calls and STDs courtesy of one and only Tommy Lee.

After reaching maximum capacity, she swore off Tommy Lee, got back together with Kid Rock, got engaged and then married on a yacht in St. Tropez...only to get divorced three months later.

(Followed by the inevitable boot-knocking with Tommy Lee.)

Finally, after bonding over their shared love of home-made sex tapes, she married Rick Solomon in Las Vegas in between acts of her magic show with Hans Klok...

...ONLY TO GET DIVORCED TWO MONTHS LATER!

And, for catty measure, we shant forget the slew of other men she's ridden (Scott Baio, Bret Michaels, Stephen Dorff, Dean Cain, Vince Neil and Sylvester Stallone...to name a few). I'm not reveling in their divorce because I'm at all still bitter at Rick Solomon for filming, distributing and making a fortune from 1 Night in Paris.

After all, it is my only movie that has ever won an award. Although, why this is the case is completely beyond me...National Lampoon's Pledge This is a sure fire classic. Regardless, it's just that I truly believe that her blatant disregard for the sanctity of marriage cheapens it for the rest of us.

Heehee...I almost believe that myself. Whatever.

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But apparently the cited irreconcilable differences are, in fact, reconcilable because...they just got back together. Le sigh.

PhotoCrank

Dear Tinkerbell,

I know for a fact that there are hundreds of people secretly reading my innermost thoughts, observations and musings and, out of the goodness of my heart, I added PhotoCrank for their amusement. Now, maybe I've taken it for granted that you voyeurs aren't retarded but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't pissed when I went to a bunch of other blogs that use PhotoCrank and saw that their readers are posting, like, 50-60 really effing funny captions per picture! Shame on you! It's like web graffiti. Get a clue.

Let me spell it out a little more clearly. You see the blue thingy at the bottom of every picture on this website?
Click it, bitches!

The little blue thingy lets you do two things:
1. Look at what others have done to the picture
2. Do some of your own shit

Here are some pics to practices on:







Amuse me, goddammit.

Poshs Cup Runneth Over

Dear Tinkerbell,

EeeeeewwwwwwwaHahahahahahaha! Check out this uber hot picture of Victoria Beckham’s armpit fat! GAG! How is armpit fat even possible!??! Aren't armpits, like, inverted?! That’s like having bellybutton fat!



It’s so disgusting! How does she shave it? Why can’t I stop looking at it!? It’s like ugly people and the homeless…you don’t want to look, but sometimes it’s just impossible to turn away. It’s hard to believe she has enough fat on her to cause this trainwreck of a fashion disaster. I know for a fact that she does not exceed 400 calories a day but, to be fair, we must not forget that her ratio of calf cellulite to skin surface area exceeds that seen anywhere else in the entire world.



But she’s so skinny everywhere else. Maybe her implants are getting squished out the side, in which case she should seriously consider wearing a less restrictive bustier. The British always think tighter is better. Morons. Would you like a clue with your tea and crumpets?

David should drop her mess and cum hop on mine, if ya know what I mean.



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Full House of Horrors

Dear Tinkerbell,

OMG!!! THERE IS A VIDEO TO GO ALONG WITH PETA'S ANTI-OLSEN CAMPAIGN!!



Looks about on par with the rest of their portfolio, no?

OMG, EW! And you can go here to dress them up in different bloodied fur outfits! This is SO gross (actually, the butchered beaver boots are kind of hot). Talk about a well executed use of shock value to get a point across. Well, PETA has done it...I am swearing off the Olsens for the rest of my life! Thank you for showing my the error of my ways.

Pet Olsen Free to Good Home

Dear Tinkerbell,

Did you see the new PETA campaign slamming the Olsen twins?



HAHAHA! I love it! I may paper my powder room with it. Now please don’t misunderstand me, Tink. I definitely don’t have a problem with fur…hell, I’m wearing a mink bustier as I type…I am just totally against the Olsens. Ew. They’re too small, skittish and bug-eyed. They remind me too much of Baby Luv, that hateful Kinkajou that bit me. Just add the fur that PETA’s all worked up about and Baby Luv could be the missing triplet.

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I don’t even know why they’re famous. What have they done lately that hasn’t gone straight to video? There is limited space in Hollywood and we don’t need two freaky little wombats skirting around and scaring the bejeezus out of everyone. I vote we get rid of one and replace the other with this guy…the one rocking it out behind the newly rotund Mr. Belding.




Hahaha…he’s funny and Mr. Belding is fat.

The Can-O-Champagne Campaign

Dear Tinkerbell,

As you know, Tink, I just launched the new "IT" drink. Champagne in a can is going to be EVERYWHERE! Based on the party in Tyrol, Rich Prosecco is going to be the hottest thing since Jell-O shots.



And I was totally the brains behind the operation. I just used the age-old method I always use when starting the next hot, new trend: take something people already enjoy and cheapen it. In this case, I just took delicious and decadent Champagne, threw it in a can, added a plastic straw and a golden hue that would make a northern Jersey mobster's wife cringe and...Voila! You get the same revolutionary effect seen when Red Bull is added to Grey Goose, when sequins are added to silk, when clear is added to heels and when Ben Affleck is added to the cast of any movie. I'm a total genius.

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I can just see Tara Reid now...slouched on the sofa, picking a wedge, eating day old pizza and balancing a can of Rich Prosecco on her botched-lipo gut. Ka-Ching!

Oompa Loompas Make Great Purse Pets

Dear Tinkerbell,

So, did you hear the news? I am a total hero...and much hotter than any of the heroes on NBC (eat that, stupid cheerleader). I was chilling at Cameo for the Beacher's Madhouse show and everyone was getting pretty crazy. So, amidst all the pushing and shoving, an Oompa Loompa (you know...those orange midgets with the green hair) got shoved into the stage and cut his whole leg wide open! It wasn't that big of a cut but when your leg is only, like, 6 inches long, any size cut is a big deal. So, anyway, I totally saved his life. I hit Lindsay in the face with my new Fendi, told everyone to back the F up, put that little guy under my arm and ran him out to the sidewalk to wait for an ambulance...or cab. Ok, so hitting Lindsay in the face was more for me than for the Oompa Loompa but whatev.

So anyway, long story short, the little midge got stitches in his leg and is on the mend and the whole little tribe of them are so grateful that they've made me, like, their queen or something. All hail me, bitches.



Oompa Loompas are SO hot right now. If the Humane Society wasn't all up in my grill about having too many pets, I would totally keep him. Maybe I'll get Nicky one for Christmas!

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Tis the Season, Bitches

Dear Tinkerbell,

I'm back, bitch. I just spent an entire week in bed with Alex. Purrr...he's so hot...almost as hot as me.



And, despite recent blasphemous reports, I do not at all care about Stavros' ever-changing string of JV trailer skanks nor will I ever return to Mokai...not because they asked me not to, but because they are effing lame.

On a more festive note, we need to start thinking about Christmas cards...

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What do you think? Ha!
Also, we should also spend the week figuring out what we're getting everyone for Christmas...did we get Tara Reid a bottle of Rumplemintz and a box of Trojans last year or the year before? Oh well...it doesn't matter...that girl can never have too much of either. Start brainstorming!

Retarded Country Bumpkin is Hungary for French Turkey

Dear Tinkerbell,

Good God. Who let Kelly Pickler out in public? I guess the American Idol alum is one of the map-challenged Americans Miss Teen South Carolina was so concerned about.



She definitely took some heat on American Idol when she couldn't pronouce "salmon". And then again when she didn't know what calamari was. But this? This is a new level of retarded (which, incidently, she thought meant to be tarded twice). How those kids kept a straight face is beyond me. What a role model. That country bumpkin needs to get her learn on before she's allowed back in the public eye. For her own good and the sake of those around her.

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Ignorantredneck says what?