Emily Post Just Shit a Brick while Rolling Over in her Grave

Dear Tinkerbell,

Le sigh. Whatever happened to modesty? Good taste? The demure woman? I happened to catch a glimpse of December’s Maria Claire at the drugstore this morning and almost dropped my entire basket of condoms and cigarettes! Big ol’ preggo X-tina Aguilera is baring some ginormous T&A for us all. If you listen very carefully, you can actually hear the world’s collective dry-heave.

I know some people think that the pregnant woman’s body is beautiful and whatever but, honestly, save it for your husband. I have seen way too many women posing knocked-up and naked on magazine covers. Lord knows what these mothers are going to teach their impending children about “showing too much skin”. Ew, and X-tina’s photo spread reminds me way too much of that sculpture of Britney Spears giving birth on a bear skin rug. [shudder] And all this before coffee! It’s enough to put young girls everywhere off pregnancy for good.

What these women need to realize is that it is sexier to leave a little to the imagination…



…and that only skinny girls look hot when naked.

For those with PhotoCrank.

For the haters that don't.

Model Parent Orders Chinese Take-Out

Dear Tinkerbell,

Omg, I am SO upset…apparently, Britney is in the process of adopting a pair of Chinese twins! That was so MY idea!!! I totally picked up a couple of Chinese babies when I was in China for the MTV Style Awards last week but, unfortunately for me, the stupid airline wouldn’t let me check them and I was not about to put them in the overhead compartment (I wouldn’t want them to get jostled around too much). So I left them in the cab and fully intended to order a few online as soon as I got home…and then I find out that that fat, greasy, unhinged piece of trailer-trash has stolen my thunder!



I'm so hurt and confused. Why would she steal my idea? Maybe she's bored...or lonely...or maybe this is some sort of last ditch effort since that dark realization that her poonany is overexposed and has been subsequently blacklisted? And what is even more confusing is who would allow this to go down? Now, I have always been a fan of the Chinese. They have always been very kind to me, they give killer manicures and I owe half the running stitches in my wardrobe to their kids. But I really have to say that I find this all to be extremely appalling. I find it incredible that the Chinese government would ever willingly agree to give more babies to that coked-up mental patient when our government won’t even let her have her own!



Screw this. She is going down. Hmmm…maybe I’ll have my lawyer contact K-Fed to see if he’d let me adopt Sean Preston and Jayden James! That’ll teach that little deep fried celebutard to mess with me!

For those with PhotoCrank.

For the haters that don't.

Whatev.

Time to Get Creative, Bitches

Dear Tinkerbell,

Caption contests are so hot right now and, as I love to ride the crest of the newest and hottest, I'm to going host one right here. People can add text and graphics to this cute picture of L-Lo by clicking the blue button at the bottom. Then we can get the funniest one printed up and we'll paper Lindsay's rehab facility with it...or prison ward...I guess we'll just have to wait and see where she is when the contest is over.

Hot and Spicy

Dear Tinkerbell,

Beauty pageants are so much more fun than they used to be! I think the whole business started to improve last year when Miss USA, Tara Conner, was dethroned for underage drinking and blow-use and was then sent off to rehab (which, incidentally, may have sparked the entire 2006/2007 rehab trend). Like most public spectacles, it really wasn’t that big of a deal. I mean, what teenage girl doesn’t drink and do coke? Hell, I was doing jägerbombs and snorting lines off Nikki’s Barbie dolls when I was in the fourth grade.

And then, earlier this year, Miss Teen South Carolina, Lauren Caitlin Upton, was ridiculed for months after vocalizing her concern for the poor, ignorant, "mapless" people in our great nation (as well as others, from the sound of it).

I actually don’t know why people were so hard on her. Her answer makes sense to me…how can you locate America on a map if you don’t have a map? Hello?!? Ugh…the poor girl...I think AC Slater was even laughing at her. Speaking of which, I wonder what AC Slater was doing there…

Anyway…and now, the latest in the series of scandelicious beauty pageant incidences that have captured what remains of my attention deficit…during the Miss Puerto Rico pageant, contestant Ingrid Marie Rivera applied her makeup and put on her gown only to find out that it had been laced with pepper spray!! Hahahaha! She had to strut her stuff, answer questions and shake her ass in front of everyone all while itchy, swollen and covered in hives! And then, if this isn’t all bad enough, someone stole her purse while she was on stage! HAHAHAHA!

For those with PhotoCrank.

For the haters that don't.

I guess they like ‘em hot and spicy down there because, and this is totally unbelievable, SHE WON! Our peppery Puerto Rican went from a sweaty, itchy, bloated, rash-enveloped pageant hopeful to the new sweaty, itchy, bloated, rash-enveloped Miss Puerto Rico!

Hahaha…when did pageants become so fun? I would have kept at ‘em if I had known you could pull shizz like this!

Green is the New Pink

Dear Tinkerbell,

So I’ve been thinking a lot about the environment because, like, going green is so effing hot right now. I’m not sure how to get involved, though. I mean, Priuses are uber ugly so I’m def not driving one of those. I’m still holding out for the hybrid H2. As far as electricity goes, my dressing table mirrors use about 10,000 kWh…but they would be completely useless without all the wattage, so there is really nothing I can do there. Let’s see…what else…I think I’m good in the oil department because I use volumizing hair products and only defrizzing products use oil. And obviously, all my skincare products are oil-free and noncomedogenic. Oh, and I have so many pets…I’m definitely doing more than my part in the save-the-animals category. And saving the animals is not always all fun and games…remember when that nasty Kinkajou, Baby Luv, bit me?!?!



Believe it or not, I actually remember a grade school science teacher once telling me that when you hit, push, spin, etc something, it makes energy. Now, I doubt you can collect the energy made as a result of my pushing D-listers at Hyde…but maybe scientists can collect up energy from other things I do, like spin class or pole dancing. I mean, that would make a lot of energy because I'm, like, really good at both. Something to think about…

For those with PhotoCrank.

For the haters that don't.

Parisian Painkiller

Dear Tinkerbell,

I have heard from, like, thousands of guys that I’m like a drug. This is not news. Apparently, I make them feel all warm and fuzzy inside and am totally addictive. Until now, this has only been coming from smokin’ hot guys with abs you could grate cheese on. But it has recently come to my attention that this fact has been confirmed by a bunch of weasely little nerds from Canada. It turns out that the sight of me eased the pain of poor, little wounded mice…. just like highly-addictive painkillers! In a recent study conducted at McGill University, a bunch of scientists found out that male mice licked their wounds less when in the presence of a cardboard cut-out of moi! The girl mice didn’t feel any better when I was around, but it’s probably just because they are jealous of me because I’m hot and their boyfriends want me.

For those with PhotoCrank.

For the haters that don't.

Someone mentioned something about how pain takes a backseat to more important survival instincts during stress and that they thought the boy mice were just stressed out because they thought I was a predator. Damn right, bitches…and I’m on the prowl. Meow!




Paris
xoxo

The Fight against Salad Dodgers

Dear Tinkerbell,

EW!! Being fat is contagious!! I freakin’ knew it! I can’t believe it has taken this long for everyone else to figure out what I have known for years. When I told Britney Spears that she was going to have to drop an Olsen if she wanted to keep hanging out with me, she yelled something about Cheetos, hit me with an umbrella and then took off in a full sprint. But hello?!?! I don’t want that rubbing off on me! Smokers understand that nonsmokers don’t want to be exposed to second-hand smoke…it’s the same thing! And now, even though I have been saying all of this since the second grade, a bunch of university nerds publish one little article and they’ve got the whole world’s attention…and I bet none of them have been hit with an umbrella because of it.

So, apparently obesity, officially defined as one having entirely too much junk in one’s trunk, is contagious and can thereby spread from person to person! Now, I have not yet read exactly HOW it is contagious. I mean, I can’t figure out if it’s contagious like the flu or if it’s contagious like herpes. Let’s just hope it’s not contagious like the flu because if I can get fat just by breathing around the bodily-challenged, you can bet your fat ass that I will be the first in line for 50 cases of SARs masks.

For those with PhotoCrank.

For the haters that don't.

And I guess it works, like, vice versa or whatever because Nicole Ritchie was a total cow until we did Simple Life together. I guess my skinny hotness rubbed off on her and she lost the weight but now that we don’t hang out anymore, she got all fat again.



Gross.


Paris
xoxo

Charity Schmarity Part Deux

Dear Tinkerbell,

Since the whole saving-drunk-elephants idea went out the window, I had my PR rep look into some other charitable options which would not require me to put myself anywhere near the dirty or poverty-stricken. She suggested that I join up with Mel Brooks' new non-profit organization and I think it's a fab idea!



He started a new organization called Schmucks for Schmuck and said the following during his rally in New York last week:

"For many of us, saying 'schmuck' is a way of life. Yet when I walk down the street and see people behaving in foolish, pathetic, or otherwise schmucky ways, I hear only the words 'prick' and 'douche bag.' I just shake my head and think, 'I don't want to live in a world like this.'"

I don't technically know what that word means but, from the sounds of it, I bet it means something bitchy and sort of dirty. Totally something I can get behind, ya know? Anyway, according to Mel, "schmuck" has been on the decline since it peaked in 1951. There are too many endangered species in our world and we just cannot afford to lose another to extinction!!

Tink! With you as my witness, I solemnly swear to find out what this word means and then to fight for it's survival! Unless, of course, it means I have to travel to an impoverished country or be around the poor, dirty or common.

For those with PhotoCrank.

For the haters that don't.

Let's plan on hitting the 5K Schlep for Schmuck Awareness after cocktails at Les Duex...


Paris
xoxo

Charity Schmarity

Dear Tinkerbell,

Ever since I decided to send Fake Paris off to Rwanda, I have been feeling like something is missing. I totally want to give back to society and make a difference and help the less fortunate or whatever...I just don't really want to actually be around the less fortunate, ya know? So, in a sudden burst of inspiration, I was hit with one of my best ideas to date. Drum roll please! I have decided to help the drunk elephants in India!!


As I mentioned to the World Entertainment News Network,

"The elephants get drunk all the time. It is becoming really dangerous. We need to stop making alcohol available to them."

Ha...quoting yourself is sweet. Anyway, I figured I have a lot of experience with drunks and I'm really good at helping them. I mean, hello?!? Who was holding Lindsay's hair back at Hyde this weekend as she threw up those saltines I specifically advised her not to have for dinner!? You would have thought she would know by now that drinking on an empty stomach is way better than drinking on a full one. Anyway, after I heard about that entourage of elephants who got electrocuted after a rice beer bender in India, I decided to start my own Global Elephant Campaign.

For those with PhotoCrank.

For the haters that don't.

Unfortunately, my PR rep said I would have to actually go to India (ick) and do some photo ops with the big, smelly beasts (double ick). Ew. I won't even go near Rosie...do you really think I would go anywhere near something that resembles her? So, sadly, I think I'm going to find a new charity. Give it some thought, Tink.



Paris
xoxo

Loud 'N Ugly

Dear Tinkerbell,

So, you know how I've been "reading" the bible for the media? Well, I got sort of bored playing on my blackberry and people watching/judging/mocking, so I actually read a few lines. In Leviticus, it said "...thou shalt not sow thy field with mingled seed: neither shall a garment mingled of linen and woollen come upon thee." (Leviticus 19:19)!! Well, I don't know anything about mingled seeds, but this totally proves my point that poly-blend is a sin and the people who wear it are going straight to hell.

For those with PhotoCrank.

For the haters that don't.

On a slightly related note, I just heard that Rosie O'Donnell is apparently trying to start an Internet talk show. Ew. I can't even deal with the thought of her face and shrieking voice all over the place again. Isn't it enough that she spews her boring, self-righteous poems all over the Internet? Maybe she thinks that she can get away with her idiotic crap because she and her poly-blend wardrobe are going to end up in hell anyway (so say-ith the lord...woot).



Tink, be a doll and run this note over to Rosie's place for me:

Dear Rosie,

We've had enough. Everyone is exhausted. Stop screeching from atop your digital soap box. You're making everyone uncomfortable and nauseous. You're gross, no one thinks you're funny and your poems don't even rhyme.

Love,
The Entire World


She's like a big, ugly, hairy, rabid pit bull, prowling around for anything to attack, and then tries to pass her nonsensical howling off as comedy. It's just not hot. Besides, only pretty people can be that judgmental.


Paris
xoxo

Paris Part Deux

Dear Tinkerbell,

So I decided to check out the computer game, Second Life, that all those Starbucks power geeks were talking about between hits from their inhalers. Who wants one fabulous life when you can have two, right? Ugh, I was uber-disappointed at first. I was poor, ugly and dressed in, what appeared to be, a discount, off-the-rack horror! Ick! I was totally commonplace! I mean, hello? Mouse-brown hair and Kelly Kapowski side burns? I don't think so. Anyway, as money is the solution to all problems, I decided to get some of that first. Since I don't "earn" money, I had to get daddy to send a couple mil to some lab in exchange for Second Life's currency. I didn't get that much though...I think Linden dollars are more like Canadian or Monopoly money. Anyway, it was enough to get me to a boutique, a salon, a pharmacy and a plastic surgeon. Voila!



What do you think? Do I look hot or like a tranny hooker? Either way, who wouldn't want to hit that?

Even though I was able to shake off the stench of poly-blend and working class family, there was still something missing...an entourage. I have no problem paying people to hang out with me but I was running low on Linden dollars (ugh, I don't know how common people do it!) so I decided to enlist the help of people already on the payroll. Enter my real life hairstylist and make-up artist. Check us out...



That's about as far as I got today but I'm really excited about all the prospects! I mean, new lives to crush, people to buy, "videos" to shoot and clubs to crash. And best of all, no prisons!! Woot!


Paris
xoxo

The Allocation of Military Resources

Dear Tinkerbell,

You know I'm usually all for gratuitous shows of celebrity, but why did Jessica Simpson get escorted through the JFK airport by six National Guardsman the other night? Especially since the military just denied me the six men in uniform that I needed for my Halloween costume??



That's such bullshit! I bet that's why I was denied...because they were with her! I knew they were lying when they said it was because "it makes a mockery of the US military" or because they were "busy protecting this fine country".

For those with PhotoCrank.

For the haters that don't.

If the US government is going to be allocating military resources to smokin' hot, champagne-guzzling blondes, then they best be allocating them in my direction.



Paris
xoxo

Took the Words Right Out of Your Mouth

Dear Tinkerbell,

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! You will not even believe what I just heard! Lindsay told Kim (Stewart, not KarTRASHian) who told one of the Olsens who told me that all the writers in Hollywood have just gone on strike!



Take that studios who said I would cheapen their films! Where's their "quality talent" now? By the looks of it, I'd say it's laughing it's ass off over venti non-fat cappuccinos. What now? Reruns? RealityTV? Hahaha...reality tv...like that doesn't have an entire staff of writers! Woah...wait a second...I wonder if I can squeeze another episode of Simple Life out of this!! I should call Daddy.

You know what, Tink? I really try not to bask in the misery and misfortune of others but if I was ever going to go back on Letterman, it would be tonight.

For those with PhotoCrank.

For the haters that don't.

Not too funny without your writers, are you Dave? Who's laughing now?


Paris
xoxo

Wannabe

Dear Tinkerbell,

Ew...can you believe that dumb bitch, Kim? I hate her! I cannot believe we used to be BFF!!! That was a wasted week of my life!

Ugh! So, first she totally steals my PR move with that low budget sex tape that "leaked" and NOW she's planning on posing naked for PlayBoy!?!? Everyone has already seen her mess. Is this a little redundant? Good god...she put her shit on display last weekend at Hyde. That's just what L.A. needs...another has-been's skanky daughter clamoring for a rung on the social ladder...I mean, hello?! The position has been filled! Does she really think that anyone cares about seeing her cooch? I mean, even the guys sleeping with her don't!! I should send someone over to PlayBoy to give the photoshoot staff a round of tetnus shots. Ugh, I just hate when she gets press. She is SO last season!! I have to stop writing about her or I'll need to hit up Mommy's stash of xanies.

Heehee...check out what I did to her picture...

For those with PhotoCrank.

For the haters that don't.

I'm so funny.

Where is Lindsay?? She's usually good for a laugh. Oh, and Tink...did you hear about Britney running over the pap's foot? Ha! The girl cannot catch a break! PUT DOWN THE DRIVER'S LICENSE!


Paris
xoxo

Hallowiener

Dear Tinkerbell,

So last was so fun! I hit up the Playboy Mansion party...I'm so hoping to get a cameo on Girls Next Door. I so heart that show...and I am so hotter than all three of Hef's girlfriends...I'm even hotter than all three of them smushed together into one super girlfriend.

Anyway, I decided on the skanky Alice in Wonderland outfit.



Loves it! I didn't think it was skanky enough so, right before we arrived, I hiked up the skirt a little more so you could see some cheek. Don't worry, it was the good cheek. I also had the help stitch "Alice" right over my crotch...you know...where people look first.

For those with PhotoCrank.

For the haters that don't.

Ugh...Richard gere's gerbil kept jumping at me all night! And I'm hoping no one remembers what that fat-ass Richard Branson did to me last time I tried to dress up like Alice!! That was SO not hot!

I saw Brit Brit out and about. I'm not sure exactly what she was dressed as...I'm thinking she was going for a feral cat with mange and mutant fleas that's been spending it's evenings in the gutters outside in-and-out burger. But I don't know...it's just a guess.

For those with PhotoCrank.

For the haters that don't.

Where the F were you last night?


Paris
xoxo