Barron Hiltons Lump of Coal

Dear Tinkerbell,

SHIT! Shitshitshitshitshit! How can grandpa do this to me? I thought I was his “favorite princess”!?!? On what deranged plane of existence is it acceptable to bequeath the near entirety of one’s fortune to charity rather than to one’s supposed FAVORITE PRINCESS?! That old coot is sitting on 2.3 billion dollars and, in his venerable senility, has decided to donate 2.2 billion of it to charity. It’s almost laughable! Why?! Because of the DUIs? The drugs? The men? The jail time? The spending? The scandal? COME ON!! 2007 wasn’t THAT bad!!! Get over it, you old fart. Merry fucking Christmas.

Speaking of the proverbial lump of coal, can you believe Jamie Lynne Spears is knocked up? Just in time for the holidays too. I wonder what she’s promoting…a new show? I smell a reality hit here...Mama, Me and the Bastard Makes Three.



I don’t think her Momma is doing a very good job spinning this...if Joe Simpson were her father, you know we’d be reading something along the lines of how Jamie Lynn is reinventing the immaculate conception for her new album this Christmas season. Brilliant.

For those with PhotoCrank

For the haters that don't

Merry Christmas

Dear Tinkerbell,

I guess Jamie Lynn was naughty this year...

Aint Love Grand?

Dear Tinkerbell,

Pam Anderson and Rick Solomon are getting divorced!! Ha! Oh please...like anyone is surprised. They had as much of a chance as Britney Spears and that short, bald guy from Seinfeld. Let's take a look at the past repeating itself...

After knowing Tommy Lee for 96 hours, Pam and Tommy Lee get married on February 19, 1995...

She filed for divorce, they reconciled, she filed for divorce again, they reconciled again...

After they FINALLY got divorced in 1998, Pammy got engaged to male model Marcus Schenkenberg...and broke it off.

Then she met and got engaged to the notoriously filthy Kid Rock...and broke it off.

Pammy soothed her aching heart with good ol' fashioned booty calls and STDs courtesy of one and only Tommy Lee.

After reaching maximum capacity, she swore off Tommy Lee, got back together with Kid Rock, got engaged and then married on a yacht in St. Tropez...only to get divorced three months later.

(Followed by the inevitable boot-knocking with Tommy Lee.)

Finally, after bonding over their shared love of home-made sex tapes, she married Rick Solomon in Las Vegas in between acts of her magic show with Hans Klok...

...ONLY TO GET DIVORCED TWO MONTHS LATER!

And, for catty measure, we shant forget the slew of other men she's ridden (Scott Baio, Bret Michaels, Stephen Dorff, Dean Cain, Vince Neil and Sylvester Stallone...to name a few). I'm not reveling in their divorce because I'm at all still bitter at Rick Solomon for filming, distributing and making a fortune from 1 Night in Paris.

After all, it is my only movie that has ever won an award. Although, why this is the case is completely beyond me...National Lampoon's Pledge This is a sure fire classic. Regardless, it's just that I truly believe that her blatant disregard for the sanctity of marriage cheapens it for the rest of us.

Heehee...I almost believe that myself. Whatever.

For those with PhotoCrank

For the haters that don't

But apparently the cited irreconcilable differences are, in fact, reconcilable because...they just got back together. Le sigh.

PhotoCrank

Dear Tinkerbell,

I know for a fact that there are hundreds of people secretly reading my innermost thoughts, observations and musings and, out of the goodness of my heart, I added PhotoCrank for their amusement. Now, maybe I've taken it for granted that you voyeurs aren't retarded but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't pissed when I went to a bunch of other blogs that use PhotoCrank and saw that their readers are posting, like, 50-60 really effing funny captions per picture! Shame on you! It's like web graffiti. Get a clue.

Let me spell it out a little more clearly. You see the blue thingy at the bottom of every picture on this website?
Click it, bitches!

The little blue thingy lets you do two things:
1. Look at what others have done to the picture
2. Do some of your own shit

Here are some pics to practices on:







Amuse me, goddammit.

Poshs Cup Runneth Over

Dear Tinkerbell,

EeeeeewwwwwwwaHahahahahahaha! Check out this uber hot picture of Victoria Beckham’s armpit fat! GAG! How is armpit fat even possible!??! Aren't armpits, like, inverted?! That’s like having bellybutton fat!



It’s so disgusting! How does she shave it? Why can’t I stop looking at it!? It’s like ugly people and the homeless…you don’t want to look, but sometimes it’s just impossible to turn away. It’s hard to believe she has enough fat on her to cause this trainwreck of a fashion disaster. I know for a fact that she does not exceed 400 calories a day but, to be fair, we must not forget that her ratio of calf cellulite to skin surface area exceeds that seen anywhere else in the entire world.



But she’s so skinny everywhere else. Maybe her implants are getting squished out the side, in which case she should seriously consider wearing a less restrictive bustier. The British always think tighter is better. Morons. Would you like a clue with your tea and crumpets?

David should drop her mess and cum hop on mine, if ya know what I mean.



For those with PhotoCrank

For the haters that don't

Full House of Horrors

Dear Tinkerbell,

OMG!!! THERE IS A VIDEO TO GO ALONG WITH PETA'S ANTI-OLSEN CAMPAIGN!!



Looks about on par with the rest of their portfolio, no?

OMG, EW! And you can go here to dress them up in different bloodied fur outfits! This is SO gross (actually, the butchered beaver boots are kind of hot). Talk about a well executed use of shock value to get a point across. Well, PETA has done it...I am swearing off the Olsens for the rest of my life! Thank you for showing my the error of my ways.

Pet Olsen Free to Good Home

Dear Tinkerbell,

Did you see the new PETA campaign slamming the Olsen twins?



HAHAHA! I love it! I may paper my powder room with it. Now please don’t misunderstand me, Tink. I definitely don’t have a problem with fur…hell, I’m wearing a mink bustier as I type…I am just totally against the Olsens. Ew. They’re too small, skittish and bug-eyed. They remind me too much of Baby Luv, that hateful Kinkajou that bit me. Just add the fur that PETA’s all worked up about and Baby Luv could be the missing triplet.

For those with Photocrank

For the haters that don’t

I don’t even know why they’re famous. What have they done lately that hasn’t gone straight to video? There is limited space in Hollywood and we don’t need two freaky little wombats skirting around and scaring the bejeezus out of everyone. I vote we get rid of one and replace the other with this guy…the one rocking it out behind the newly rotund Mr. Belding.




Hahaha…he’s funny and Mr. Belding is fat.

The Can-O-Champagne Campaign

Dear Tinkerbell,

As you know, Tink, I just launched the new "IT" drink. Champagne in a can is going to be EVERYWHERE! Based on the party in Tyrol, Rich Prosecco is going to be the hottest thing since Jell-O shots.



And I was totally the brains behind the operation. I just used the age-old method I always use when starting the next hot, new trend: take something people already enjoy and cheapen it. In this case, I just took delicious and decadent Champagne, threw it in a can, added a plastic straw and a golden hue that would make a northern Jersey mobster's wife cringe and...Voila! You get the same revolutionary effect seen when Red Bull is added to Grey Goose, when sequins are added to silk, when clear is added to heels and when Ben Affleck is added to the cast of any movie. I'm a total genius.

For those with PhotoCrank

For the haters that don't

I can just see Tara Reid now...slouched on the sofa, picking a wedge, eating day old pizza and balancing a can of Rich Prosecco on her botched-lipo gut. Ka-Ching!

Oompa Loompas Make Great Purse Pets

Dear Tinkerbell,

So, did you hear the news? I am a total hero...and much hotter than any of the heroes on NBC (eat that, stupid cheerleader). I was chilling at Cameo for the Beacher's Madhouse show and everyone was getting pretty crazy. So, amidst all the pushing and shoving, an Oompa Loompa (you know...those orange midgets with the green hair) got shoved into the stage and cut his whole leg wide open! It wasn't that big of a cut but when your leg is only, like, 6 inches long, any size cut is a big deal. So, anyway, I totally saved his life. I hit Lindsay in the face with my new Fendi, told everyone to back the F up, put that little guy under my arm and ran him out to the sidewalk to wait for an ambulance...or cab. Ok, so hitting Lindsay in the face was more for me than for the Oompa Loompa but whatev.

So anyway, long story short, the little midge got stitches in his leg and is on the mend and the whole little tribe of them are so grateful that they've made me, like, their queen or something. All hail me, bitches.



Oompa Loompas are SO hot right now. If the Humane Society wasn't all up in my grill about having too many pets, I would totally keep him. Maybe I'll get Nicky one for Christmas!

For those with PhotoCrank

For the haters that don't

Tis the Season, Bitches

Dear Tinkerbell,

I'm back, bitch. I just spent an entire week in bed with Alex. Purrr...he's so hot...almost as hot as me.



And, despite recent blasphemous reports, I do not at all care about Stavros' ever-changing string of JV trailer skanks nor will I ever return to Mokai...not because they asked me not to, but because they are effing lame.

On a more festive note, we need to start thinking about Christmas cards...

For those with PhotoCrank

For the haters that don't

What do you think? Ha!
Also, we should also spend the week figuring out what we're getting everyone for Christmas...did we get Tara Reid a bottle of Rumplemintz and a box of Trojans last year or the year before? Oh well...it doesn't matter...that girl can never have too much of either. Start brainstorming!

Retarded Country Bumpkin is Hungary for French Turkey

Dear Tinkerbell,

Good God. Who let Kelly Pickler out in public? I guess the American Idol alum is one of the map-challenged Americans Miss Teen South Carolina was so concerned about.



She definitely took some heat on American Idol when she couldn't pronouce "salmon". And then again when she didn't know what calamari was. But this? This is a new level of retarded (which, incidently, she thought meant to be tarded twice). How those kids kept a straight face is beyond me. What a role model. That country bumpkin needs to get her learn on before she's allowed back in the public eye. For her own good and the sake of those around her.

For those with PhotoCrank

For the haters that don't

Ignorantredneck says what?

Emily Post Just Shit a Brick while Rolling Over in her Grave

Dear Tinkerbell,

Le sigh. Whatever happened to modesty? Good taste? The demure woman? I happened to catch a glimpse of December’s Maria Claire at the drugstore this morning and almost dropped my entire basket of condoms and cigarettes! Big ol’ preggo X-tina Aguilera is baring some ginormous T&A for us all. If you listen very carefully, you can actually hear the world’s collective dry-heave.

I know some people think that the pregnant woman’s body is beautiful and whatever but, honestly, save it for your husband. I have seen way too many women posing knocked-up and naked on magazine covers. Lord knows what these mothers are going to teach their impending children about “showing too much skin”. Ew, and X-tina’s photo spread reminds me way too much of that sculpture of Britney Spears giving birth on a bear skin rug. [shudder] And all this before coffee! It’s enough to put young girls everywhere off pregnancy for good.

What these women need to realize is that it is sexier to leave a little to the imagination…



…and that only skinny girls look hot when naked.

For those with PhotoCrank.

For the haters that don't.

Model Parent Orders Chinese Take-Out

Dear Tinkerbell,

Omg, I am SO upset…apparently, Britney is in the process of adopting a pair of Chinese twins! That was so MY idea!!! I totally picked up a couple of Chinese babies when I was in China for the MTV Style Awards last week but, unfortunately for me, the stupid airline wouldn’t let me check them and I was not about to put them in the overhead compartment (I wouldn’t want them to get jostled around too much). So I left them in the cab and fully intended to order a few online as soon as I got home…and then I find out that that fat, greasy, unhinged piece of trailer-trash has stolen my thunder!



I'm so hurt and confused. Why would she steal my idea? Maybe she's bored...or lonely...or maybe this is some sort of last ditch effort since that dark realization that her poonany is overexposed and has been subsequently blacklisted? And what is even more confusing is who would allow this to go down? Now, I have always been a fan of the Chinese. They have always been very kind to me, they give killer manicures and I owe half the running stitches in my wardrobe to their kids. But I really have to say that I find this all to be extremely appalling. I find it incredible that the Chinese government would ever willingly agree to give more babies to that coked-up mental patient when our government won’t even let her have her own!



Screw this. She is going down. Hmmm…maybe I’ll have my lawyer contact K-Fed to see if he’d let me adopt Sean Preston and Jayden James! That’ll teach that little deep fried celebutard to mess with me!

For those with PhotoCrank.

For the haters that don't.

Whatev.

Time to Get Creative, Bitches

Dear Tinkerbell,

Caption contests are so hot right now and, as I love to ride the crest of the newest and hottest, I'm to going host one right here. People can add text and graphics to this cute picture of L-Lo by clicking the blue button at the bottom. Then we can get the funniest one printed up and we'll paper Lindsay's rehab facility with it...or prison ward...I guess we'll just have to wait and see where she is when the contest is over.

Hot and Spicy

Dear Tinkerbell,

Beauty pageants are so much more fun than they used to be! I think the whole business started to improve last year when Miss USA, Tara Conner, was dethroned for underage drinking and blow-use and was then sent off to rehab (which, incidentally, may have sparked the entire 2006/2007 rehab trend). Like most public spectacles, it really wasn’t that big of a deal. I mean, what teenage girl doesn’t drink and do coke? Hell, I was doing jägerbombs and snorting lines off Nikki’s Barbie dolls when I was in the fourth grade.

And then, earlier this year, Miss Teen South Carolina, Lauren Caitlin Upton, was ridiculed for months after vocalizing her concern for the poor, ignorant, "mapless" people in our great nation (as well as others, from the sound of it).

I actually don’t know why people were so hard on her. Her answer makes sense to me…how can you locate America on a map if you don’t have a map? Hello?!? Ugh…the poor girl...I think AC Slater was even laughing at her. Speaking of which, I wonder what AC Slater was doing there…

Anyway…and now, the latest in the series of scandelicious beauty pageant incidences that have captured what remains of my attention deficit…during the Miss Puerto Rico pageant, contestant Ingrid Marie Rivera applied her makeup and put on her gown only to find out that it had been laced with pepper spray!! Hahahaha! She had to strut her stuff, answer questions and shake her ass in front of everyone all while itchy, swollen and covered in hives! And then, if this isn’t all bad enough, someone stole her purse while she was on stage! HAHAHAHA!

For those with PhotoCrank.

For the haters that don't.

I guess they like ‘em hot and spicy down there because, and this is totally unbelievable, SHE WON! Our peppery Puerto Rican went from a sweaty, itchy, bloated, rash-enveloped pageant hopeful to the new sweaty, itchy, bloated, rash-enveloped Miss Puerto Rico!

Hahaha…when did pageants become so fun? I would have kept at ‘em if I had known you could pull shizz like this!

Green is the New Pink

Dear Tinkerbell,

So I’ve been thinking a lot about the environment because, like, going green is so effing hot right now. I’m not sure how to get involved, though. I mean, Priuses are uber ugly so I’m def not driving one of those. I’m still holding out for the hybrid H2. As far as electricity goes, my dressing table mirrors use about 10,000 kWh…but they would be completely useless without all the wattage, so there is really nothing I can do there. Let’s see…what else…I think I’m good in the oil department because I use volumizing hair products and only defrizzing products use oil. And obviously, all my skincare products are oil-free and noncomedogenic. Oh, and I have so many pets…I’m definitely doing more than my part in the save-the-animals category. And saving the animals is not always all fun and games…remember when that nasty Kinkajou, Baby Luv, bit me?!?!



Believe it or not, I actually remember a grade school science teacher once telling me that when you hit, push, spin, etc something, it makes energy. Now, I doubt you can collect the energy made as a result of my pushing D-listers at Hyde…but maybe scientists can collect up energy from other things I do, like spin class or pole dancing. I mean, that would make a lot of energy because I'm, like, really good at both. Something to think about…

For those with PhotoCrank.

For the haters that don't.

Parisian Painkiller

Dear Tinkerbell,

I have heard from, like, thousands of guys that I’m like a drug. This is not news. Apparently, I make them feel all warm and fuzzy inside and am totally addictive. Until now, this has only been coming from smokin’ hot guys with abs you could grate cheese on. But it has recently come to my attention that this fact has been confirmed by a bunch of weasely little nerds from Canada. It turns out that the sight of me eased the pain of poor, little wounded mice…. just like highly-addictive painkillers! In a recent study conducted at McGill University, a bunch of scientists found out that male mice licked their wounds less when in the presence of a cardboard cut-out of moi! The girl mice didn’t feel any better when I was around, but it’s probably just because they are jealous of me because I’m hot and their boyfriends want me.

For those with PhotoCrank.

For the haters that don't.

Someone mentioned something about how pain takes a backseat to more important survival instincts during stress and that they thought the boy mice were just stressed out because they thought I was a predator. Damn right, bitches…and I’m on the prowl. Meow!




Paris
xoxo

The Fight against Salad Dodgers

Dear Tinkerbell,

EW!! Being fat is contagious!! I freakin’ knew it! I can’t believe it has taken this long for everyone else to figure out what I have known for years. When I told Britney Spears that she was going to have to drop an Olsen if she wanted to keep hanging out with me, she yelled something about Cheetos, hit me with an umbrella and then took off in a full sprint. But hello?!?! I don’t want that rubbing off on me! Smokers understand that nonsmokers don’t want to be exposed to second-hand smoke…it’s the same thing! And now, even though I have been saying all of this since the second grade, a bunch of university nerds publish one little article and they’ve got the whole world’s attention…and I bet none of them have been hit with an umbrella because of it.

So, apparently obesity, officially defined as one having entirely too much junk in one’s trunk, is contagious and can thereby spread from person to person! Now, I have not yet read exactly HOW it is contagious. I mean, I can’t figure out if it’s contagious like the flu or if it’s contagious like herpes. Let’s just hope it’s not contagious like the flu because if I can get fat just by breathing around the bodily-challenged, you can bet your fat ass that I will be the first in line for 50 cases of SARs masks.

For those with PhotoCrank.

For the haters that don't.

And I guess it works, like, vice versa or whatever because Nicole Ritchie was a total cow until we did Simple Life together. I guess my skinny hotness rubbed off on her and she lost the weight but now that we don’t hang out anymore, she got all fat again.



Gross.


Paris
xoxo

Charity Schmarity Part Deux

Dear Tinkerbell,

Since the whole saving-drunk-elephants idea went out the window, I had my PR rep look into some other charitable options which would not require me to put myself anywhere near the dirty or poverty-stricken. She suggested that I join up with Mel Brooks' new non-profit organization and I think it's a fab idea!



He started a new organization called Schmucks for Schmuck and said the following during his rally in New York last week:

"For many of us, saying 'schmuck' is a way of life. Yet when I walk down the street and see people behaving in foolish, pathetic, or otherwise schmucky ways, I hear only the words 'prick' and 'douche bag.' I just shake my head and think, 'I don't want to live in a world like this.'"

I don't technically know what that word means but, from the sounds of it, I bet it means something bitchy and sort of dirty. Totally something I can get behind, ya know? Anyway, according to Mel, "schmuck" has been on the decline since it peaked in 1951. There are too many endangered species in our world and we just cannot afford to lose another to extinction!!

Tink! With you as my witness, I solemnly swear to find out what this word means and then to fight for it's survival! Unless, of course, it means I have to travel to an impoverished country or be around the poor, dirty or common.

For those with PhotoCrank.

For the haters that don't.

Let's plan on hitting the 5K Schlep for Schmuck Awareness after cocktails at Les Duex...


Paris
xoxo

Charity Schmarity

Dear Tinkerbell,

Ever since I decided to send Fake Paris off to Rwanda, I have been feeling like something is missing. I totally want to give back to society and make a difference and help the less fortunate or whatever...I just don't really want to actually be around the less fortunate, ya know? So, in a sudden burst of inspiration, I was hit with one of my best ideas to date. Drum roll please! I have decided to help the drunk elephants in India!!


As I mentioned to the World Entertainment News Network,

"The elephants get drunk all the time. It is becoming really dangerous. We need to stop making alcohol available to them."

Ha...quoting yourself is sweet. Anyway, I figured I have a lot of experience with drunks and I'm really good at helping them. I mean, hello?!? Who was holding Lindsay's hair back at Hyde this weekend as she threw up those saltines I specifically advised her not to have for dinner!? You would have thought she would know by now that drinking on an empty stomach is way better than drinking on a full one. Anyway, after I heard about that entourage of elephants who got electrocuted after a rice beer bender in India, I decided to start my own Global Elephant Campaign.

For those with PhotoCrank.

For the haters that don't.

Unfortunately, my PR rep said I would have to actually go to India (ick) and do some photo ops with the big, smelly beasts (double ick). Ew. I won't even go near Rosie...do you really think I would go anywhere near something that resembles her? So, sadly, I think I'm going to find a new charity. Give it some thought, Tink.



Paris
xoxo

Loud 'N Ugly

Dear Tinkerbell,

So, you know how I've been "reading" the bible for the media? Well, I got sort of bored playing on my blackberry and people watching/judging/mocking, so I actually read a few lines. In Leviticus, it said "...thou shalt not sow thy field with mingled seed: neither shall a garment mingled of linen and woollen come upon thee." (Leviticus 19:19)!! Well, I don't know anything about mingled seeds, but this totally proves my point that poly-blend is a sin and the people who wear it are going straight to hell.

For those with PhotoCrank.

For the haters that don't.

On a slightly related note, I just heard that Rosie O'Donnell is apparently trying to start an Internet talk show. Ew. I can't even deal with the thought of her face and shrieking voice all over the place again. Isn't it enough that she spews her boring, self-righteous poems all over the Internet? Maybe she thinks that she can get away with her idiotic crap because she and her poly-blend wardrobe are going to end up in hell anyway (so say-ith the lord...woot).



Tink, be a doll and run this note over to Rosie's place for me:

Dear Rosie,

We've had enough. Everyone is exhausted. Stop screeching from atop your digital soap box. You're making everyone uncomfortable and nauseous. You're gross, no one thinks you're funny and your poems don't even rhyme.

Love,
The Entire World


She's like a big, ugly, hairy, rabid pit bull, prowling around for anything to attack, and then tries to pass her nonsensical howling off as comedy. It's just not hot. Besides, only pretty people can be that judgmental.


Paris
xoxo

Paris Part Deux

Dear Tinkerbell,

So I decided to check out the computer game, Second Life, that all those Starbucks power geeks were talking about between hits from their inhalers. Who wants one fabulous life when you can have two, right? Ugh, I was uber-disappointed at first. I was poor, ugly and dressed in, what appeared to be, a discount, off-the-rack horror! Ick! I was totally commonplace! I mean, hello? Mouse-brown hair and Kelly Kapowski side burns? I don't think so. Anyway, as money is the solution to all problems, I decided to get some of that first. Since I don't "earn" money, I had to get daddy to send a couple mil to some lab in exchange for Second Life's currency. I didn't get that much though...I think Linden dollars are more like Canadian or Monopoly money. Anyway, it was enough to get me to a boutique, a salon, a pharmacy and a plastic surgeon. Voila!



What do you think? Do I look hot or like a tranny hooker? Either way, who wouldn't want to hit that?

Even though I was able to shake off the stench of poly-blend and working class family, there was still something missing...an entourage. I have no problem paying people to hang out with me but I was running low on Linden dollars (ugh, I don't know how common people do it!) so I decided to enlist the help of people already on the payroll. Enter my real life hairstylist and make-up artist. Check us out...



That's about as far as I got today but I'm really excited about all the prospects! I mean, new lives to crush, people to buy, "videos" to shoot and clubs to crash. And best of all, no prisons!! Woot!


Paris
xoxo

The Allocation of Military Resources

Dear Tinkerbell,

You know I'm usually all for gratuitous shows of celebrity, but why did Jessica Simpson get escorted through the JFK airport by six National Guardsman the other night? Especially since the military just denied me the six men in uniform that I needed for my Halloween costume??



That's such bullshit! I bet that's why I was denied...because they were with her! I knew they were lying when they said it was because "it makes a mockery of the US military" or because they were "busy protecting this fine country".

For those with PhotoCrank.

For the haters that don't.

If the US government is going to be allocating military resources to smokin' hot, champagne-guzzling blondes, then they best be allocating them in my direction.



Paris
xoxo