Who is Good Will Hunting?

Dear Tinkerbell,

Everyone is screwing everyone else. Sarah Silverman is claiming to have done the nasty with Matt Damon and made this weirdo-indy-harajuku-rock video to prove it (and understandably so since he is waaaaaaaay hotter than her).



In response to these allegations, Jimmy Kimmel went out and bumped uglies with Ben Affleck (more believable) and then hired a cast of A-listers to rub Sarah’s face in it. Ha! He’s a bigger bitch than I am!



Nice. Revenge sex is hot! But we all know who's going to end up with who...

Well, I’ve got news you…I screwed all four of them!

Barack is the New Black

Dear Tinkerbell,

And now for my in-depth and highly intellectual discussion on Barack Obama during which I will weigh the pros and cons of his campaign with a fair and unbiased eye.

Oprah loves him. Scarlett Johnasson is engaged to him. Will.i.am made a Barack tribute music video packed to the brim with celebs.

And now he’s got the rest of them wrapped around his little finger. I’ve been trying to get Spielberg to throw me a party for years (to no avail) but all Hollywood’s new political golden boy had to do was smile and the invites were dispatched. Spielberg, Katzenberg and Geffen got together at threw a $2,300-a-head cocktail party at the Beverly Hilton in his honor. There were tons of people there…George Clooney, Eddie Murphy and Barbra Streisand, Ron Howard, Morgan Freeman, Jackson Browne, Jennifer Aniston, Natalie Maines, Ben Stiller, J.J. Abrams…to name a few.

So there you have it. I’m voting for Obama. Hollywood has spoken.

Barack is the new black, bitches.

Celebrity Injustice

Dear Tinkerbell,

Ugh. My poor brother. I feel so badly for him!!! Yet another celebrity to fall victim to the law. Haven't they handed out enough DUIs? Must they continue to persecute us?

You know what we need??? We need a president that will exonerate criminals base on celebrity status. Celebrities are an oft overlooked minority group who, despite all we give to the community, are often treated as...shudder...regular people! It's a travesty! An total injustice. It is our right, as celebrities, to receive special treatment. I will not stand for this any longer! Maybe I'll take a page out of Obama's book...YES WE CAN (RECEIVE SPECIAL TREATMENT)! Yes we can.

I need a cocktail. And a car.

She`s Gonna Make America Her Bitch

Dear Tinkerbell,

As promised, I am going to give an educated and insightful discussion on each of the democratic candidates. Syke. I'm only going to talk about Hillary and Obama because, according to the polls, they're so hot right now. And I may talk about Edwards but only because he has that hot southern drawl.

Today's candidate is: Hillary.

Hot: She's a woman and the sisterhood needs to stick together (unless she's scamming on my boyfriend at Hyde, cause then the bitch better run).

Not Hot: Her stylist. Ew. Why does she always look like she's been reupholstered? Put down the pantsuit, bitch!

Her first order of business as President should be pack her ass and our tax dollars into Airforce One and hit up fashion week.

Hot: Her husband felt me up at a White House fundraiser when I was 19.

Not Hot: She freaked out about it.

Hot: She's related to George Clinton of the Parliament Funkadelics and it would be smart to have close ties with Britain's Parliament.

Not Hot: Her hair. I'm over the lesbian thing.

Hot: She likes to slam Bush. Yeah...that's right...I just got my double entendre on.

Not Hot: Mr. and Mrs. President sounds so gay.

Hot:

Anyway, it would be pretty sweet to have a woman as president so she can make some much needed changes around this dump. Add a feminine touch, ya know? Off the top of my head, she could make the FDA approve illegal diet pills and over-the-counter Botox (she would benefit there too). Maybe install tanning booths at every highway reststop so you can get your base on the way to the beach. Style incentives produced by taxing the purchase of ugly clothing only. Hell, tax ugly people, for that matter...they've taxed us long enough.

There are my thoughts on Hillary. Eat it up, bitches.



PS -

(NOT HOT)

Can You Bring Blow to a Political Party?

Dear Tinkerbell,

Since the presidential caucuses are about the only thing on TV (thanks to the epic writer’s strike), I have been inundated with political information and forced to spend an inordinate amount of time considering the presidential candidates. Until now, I have not given much thought to my stance on politics because a) I’m hot and b) just about anything else is more interesting.

Here’s what I’ve got so far: I’m rich, so I'm pretty sure that means that I’m a Democrat. The Kennedy’s were Democrats. Plus, Daddy said that the Democrats give money to the poor and the Republicans keep it for themselves. And even though I don’t really want to give the poor my money, I think I have to say that I do because it reminds people that I’m rich and can afford it. So, given all this, I am not even going to waste my timing thinking about about Republicans. And that is totally fine with me because they are popular in those weirdo, inbred, hillbilly states and I don’t want anything to do with that. Plus, I think Democrats are cool with lesbians and I’ve been looking into that lately. Swinging both ways is so hot right now.

For those with PhotoCrank

For the haters that don't

Once I figure out who the Democratic candidates are, I will write insightful political commentaries on each.

Throwing Spears

Dear Tinkerbell,

As you may remember, Tink, Dr. Phil had promised his captivated and salivating audience of stay at home Moms a special on the trainwreck that is Ms. Spears (if you're nasty). Then, to the dismay of all the self-help junkies out there, he canceled the special and released the following statement:

“As was widely reported this weekend, at the request of concerned family members, I visited Britney Spears in the hospital. The details of that visit will, of course, remain private. We had planned to tape a Dr. Phil Now show tomorrow, focusing not on the tabloid side of Britney’s latest problems, but instead on the very serious issues surrounding this case.

Clearly, it is not just Britney’s family struggling to find a way to protect adult children who cannot be ordered or compelled to seek help. Because the Spears situation is too intense at this time, and out of consideration to the family, I have made the decision not to move forward with the taping at this particular time. Britney and her family are in our prayers and we ask that they be in yours.”

Then, in a [ahem] surprising turn of events, Britney's estranged parents unified themselves to emit a collective "Nuh Uh!". Lou Taylor, the family spokeswoman, appeared on yesterday's Today and said that the family never planned to do a show with Dr. Phil, that "he was not invited to make this a public display" and that "they were taken advantage of".



Come on now. First of all, their daughter is the very definition of a public display. Second of all, how can you turn to Dr. Phil, a very public figure who happens to host his own talk show, for psychiatric support and honestly believe you are doing all that you can to protect your daughter's privacy? Sorry guys...the world isn't that gullible.

A mediawhoresayswhat? What?

So what happened? No private physicians around? No bored doctors out there willing to join the staff as Britney's private psychiatrist for a healthy six figure sum? Come on! They could go clubbing together!

But if none of this suits them, there is always option B...it's called hush money, you idiots. I use it all the time.

For those with PhotoCrank

For the haters that don't

Cocktail Pusher

Dear Tinkerbell,

Can Kelly Osbourne be any more pathetic? She is telling everyone and anyone that I poisoned her! Apparently, at Noir last week, she turned to a whole crew of people and said " [Paris] gave me my first alcohol poisoning". Oh, spare me. I can hardly believe that the post-rehab daughter of Ozzy Osbourne experienced her first incidence of alcohol poisoning any time recently nor can I believe that I could possibly have had anything to do with it.

And why does she have to say it like I injected it in her? Or slipped it in her drink? Like, she left to use the ladies room and I slipped a shot of rum in her Coke. Please. All I plan on giving her is a couple of reputation-tarnishing rumors and possibly an STD. You can count on that.

For those with PhotoCrank

For the haters that don't